Look At What We Call Love Nowadays

You know, it’s funny how things work. In preparation to re-launch my website, I was trying to figure out how I would go about doing that. So what did I do? Go on social media and procrastinate just as most people do when they should be taking care of more important things. I was scrolling down my Facebook timeline when I came across this meme picture thing that read “Do You Love Him Enough to Wait for Him to Become the Person He’s Supposed to Be” and that’s when I knew how I would do it... By writing a little nugget about my feelings about that meme picture thing. And with me being an artist, writing is kind of what I do, so thank you anonymous friend who posted that meme picture thing. I hope this won’t be too lengthy but here it goes…

I had experienced a pretty bad break-up several months ago from a two year umm, relationship/situationship which I won’t get into too much detail for (but some details will be in new music that I will be releasing soon #shamelessplug) but it really made me wonder what was, you know, wrong with me. I’d been in two other “serious” relationships, but I can honestly say I thought this last one was “the one.” However, all three relationships had a common theme for me: my happiness depended on the other person’s happiness. What do I mean with that? That meant that I would do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to ensure that other person was happy. Because their happy made me happy. This meant going against things I believe in, doing/accepting things I knew I shouldn’t tolerate, sacrificing my sanity and ultimately forcing myself to deal with ridiculousness to show the other person I cared and I knew they weren’t perfect, but I wanted to show them love through their imperfections. It made sense to me for a while.

It made sense until I found myself crying over repetitive behaviors and actions that hurt me over and over again and things STILL not changing. No matter how much I changed. Or tried to change. Then I tried to change them to keep me from hurting. Biggest mistake ever. I got hit with the “if you love me like you say you do you would accept me as I am and not try to change me” which, that statement held some truth to it, it did. It does. But the change I was trying to get them to see, I felt, was deeper than they understood. Because I took so much time to analyze them because I loved them, that at times I knew them better than they knew themselves. And I knew what kind of person they are/could be deep down which was a million times more amazing than they were at that point in time. When you love someone you’re supposed to help them bring out the best “you” that “you” can be, right? Stop passing off clear character flaws as “just how I am” and improve them. Work to be a better person. And I know I’m not perfect by any means. But I try my hardest to be the best me that I can be. #cornybuttrue

This brings me back to the Facebook meme picture thing. I feel too many women (and men too!) accept and tolerate behaviors and actions that are grounds for unhappiness for yourself, and selfishness on behalf of the other person. People are going to do what they want to do, regardless of what someone else says or wants. After all, you’re going to do what makes you happy and what you feel is the best decision for yourself right? Right. So if you’re staying through a relationship in hopes that the person improves and becomes the person you know they can be, you’re wrong. People will SHOW you not just TELL you they want to change. This is where the “waiting” comes into play. I “waited” for two years for my last relationship to develop into something I had always dreamed of, regardless of the millions of red flags. I’m the best person for you so why would you need to entertain all these other people that don’t have your best interest in mind as I do, that don’t know you like I do?! I’m the best, you don’t need anyone else! LOL. That was my mindset. But had I KNOWN I was the best and was confident in what I had to offer, I wouldn’t have dealt with any of the things I dealt with. Because I was seeking validation. Validation from another person that I was the best thing that could happen to them. Biggest mistake number two. And sometimes, people just don’t want to be in a committed relationship.

The song “Where I Wanna Be” by Donnell Jones came to mind when I saw this meme picture thing. If you’re unfamiliar with the song (which I recommend you listen to after reading this, just saying) he says a couple of really impactful things. “She doesn’t fully understand me, that I’d rather leave than to cheat” as well as “if she give me some time, I can be the man she needs” and in addition to “I just need time to see where I wanna be” and lastly “I’m not saying I’m gone, but I have to find what life is like, without you.” Now I know I basically gave you the whole song but in looking back at the lyrics I was like “man I kind of want to post all of them” but decided against it. You’re welcome.

These are the characteristics of a person who, in my opinion, would be worth THINKING about “waiting” for if you so choose. And I use “waiting” very loosely. He respects his partner enough to let them know, “hey I don’t want to hurt your feelings but this is what I feel I need.” It’s extremely bittersweet for his partner, but very mature and loving. Contradictory to what social media and reality TV displays as “waiting” for a man/woman to get their act together, he chooses to break things off fully without leading his partner on, and keeping them around as a toy to pick and choose when he wants to interact with them.

It’s dangerous to live without the Lord. Sometimes we never receive the “more” we deserve because we hold on to the “less” we choose to settle for. It’s what we know. It’s what’s comfortable, although it hurts. No one likes starting over, and the older you get, the more life you have to tell a new person about. And that can be draining. So we choose to deal with the situation WE are CHOOSING to stay in, and try to place fault on the other person. Only to realize, it is OUR own fault WE are CHOOSING to stay. Why is so tough for us to CHOOSE to make the best decision for ourselves, when the other person is CHOOSING to make the best decisions for themselves that end up hurting us? We are stronger than we know.

Speaking from personal experience here! Just weeks ago I didn’t think I’d make it past the anxiety and pain and tears I was experiencing daily. I am not a resentful person and I do still pray for them fairly often. There’s such power in prayer. When a person hurts you, they are hurting internally with things not even related to you. It took me SOOOOO long to understand that. I knew that was what was happening in my situation, but I wanted them to know that I would stick through it with them, no matter what. But there are some things that occurred that were not a result of dealing with those pains. And it took a HUGE event that involved lies while looking me deep in my eyes, deceit, and me recognizing MY WORTH that led me to make the decision that I didn’t deserve to be treated that way.

Sometimes things have to fall apart for better things to fall together. And I have never felt closer to the Lord during this time, and that bond grows each and every day! A man’s success has a lot to do with the type of woman he has in his life. And vice versa. And feel free to change this to fit your preference. #judgefreezone #yeahbuddy

Waiting on God is never a waste of time. Being in a relationship/situationship won’t heal you and being single won’t kill you. And somewhere between heartache and waiting comes another chance to be found by someone who will show you that you are not just an option, but that you are the ONLY choice. To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, beautiful or perfect. You just have to care. You have purpose. Be conscious of your decisions. Be alone for a while and figure out what you want in life! You can do it! No one said it’d be easy, but it’s worth it, I promise.

Love is never hurtful, aggressive, vengeful, distrusting, nor is it demeaning or degrading. Love is healing. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is compromise. Love is unconditional. Love is RESPECTFUL.

Stay inspired. Stay driven. Stay positive. Never stop believing.

Much love,

Jay

 

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